Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize