its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
