Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
