I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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