I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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