In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
