Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
