your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize