He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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