Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
