3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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