Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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