Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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