Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
