I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
