Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
