My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
