the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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