I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
