I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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