i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
