I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
