She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
