I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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