Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
