the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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