I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
