Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize