physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
