Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
