i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The air was thick with penises
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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