I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize