Your face is a jimmy john
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
