i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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