My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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