I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
