your parents love me but you hate me
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
