The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize