Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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