we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
my liver is dry heaving
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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