the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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