At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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