dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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