I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
