i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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