During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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