I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize