this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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