Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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