Your face is a jimmy john
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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