I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Dick very happy bro
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
