The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
