Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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