I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
