Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
