MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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