His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
