Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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