when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
