Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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