today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
