one might say we're banned from that church
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize