Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
