That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
