Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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