When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
