He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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