You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
