I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Small penises have feelings too.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
