So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
