the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
