there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
