I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
